How to deal with sentient, humanoid asparagus
by TFALokiwriter
Summary: Star Trek: Jim starts thinking he is hallucinating asparagus when he is not.


The away team departed the empty facility that they had been in for the past five hours from the sheer exhausting climb getting to the facility. So much for checking up on a colony. They were on a federation approved scientific colony that turned up empty. The Enterprise was sending supplies to a colony that was a few days away while under the command of Hikaru as acting captain. Spock had refused to be the acting captain through and through. He claimed it would be more logical to ensure the captain's safety rather than leaving him alone. The Vulcan had the right idea.

The facility was a rounded dome like arena surrounded by see through glass.

There were several empty rooms, made beds, tables made for people who never came.

The solar powered machines were still operating taking care of the filth and dust that had been collected.

It was unerving to Jim and something didn't feel right

"Fascinating," Spock remarked. "there appears to be life signs but there is not."

"Strange and stranger," McCoy remarked, looking about.

"Bones," Jim said, hiding behind the taller man.

"What?" McCoy said. "What are ya scared of?"

"I am not scared, I am just restraining myself from shooting at it," Jim said. "and it's . . ." he gulped. "my worst nightmare come true," he gestured his finger in the distance while trembling behind the doctor with a terrified expression spelled on his face. "Moving! Breathing! Asparagus!"

The two security officers and blue shirts looked off in the direction that the captain was gesturing in. Their eyes widened at the field of asparagus that appeared to be moving almost waving from side to side. The spears were slowly moving. McCoy stepped to Jim's side wrapping his hand around the captain's wrist. The men bolted with Spock, Fuller, and Cupcake after them. Now they knew why no one was there. Asparagus! The asparagus had come to life and eaten all the inhabitants of the colony. The asparagus was moving quickly after the group. Fuller fell down to his feet. Cupcake stopped, reaching his hand out for the older man getting him up to his feet.

The two red shirts made their way after the core away team.

Spock made it to the shuttle first opening the floor panel up.

It was the scientist shuttle craft.

Jim and McCoy ran up forward as the two security officers were lagging behind. Fuller outran Cupcake darting into the shuttle craft that was rounded and shaped like a doughnut. It was obvious that it was built to be pilot by more than one person but by four pilots. Cupcake fell to the ground as a asparagus landed on his pant leg. He snatched out his phaser and fired at it as our view went over to Spock. Fuller came to the Vulcan's side.

"Only way to help him is by killing him," Fuller said, taking out his phaser as Cupcake was starting to become engulfed by man eating asparagus.

He fired at the man's head.

The screams died and the body stopped moving.

Spock closed the beam then went to the driving seat and Fuller did too.

"No wonder we did not find any settlers," McCoy said. "they were eaten to death."

"Asparagus," Jim said, shuddering with a sigh.

"I can't believe a kid got cut down by asparagus," Fuller agreed.

"What is next?" McCoy asked. "sentient corn?"

"That would be the next step," Spock said.

"Literal children of the corn?" McCoy continued, as the shuttle craft began to lift above the ground. "Corn in the shape of carnivores children?" Spock raised an eyebrow at the human looking over toward his direction. "Do we have to gan' up with the Klingons against vegetables?"

"Sausage Party," Spock said.

"OH GOD SPOCK," McCoy said, in disgust.

"Ew," Jim said, seeing but thick Asparagus like shape beneath the bulky console. _Deep breaths, Kirk._

"You make me sick," Fuller said.

"The thought of living, breath vegetables thriving is ridiculous as sausage being alive," Spock said.

"Ya know, they were high when they write that movie," McCoy said.

"I am not sure of that when the movie was highly complex," Spock said.

"Look, Spocko," McCoy said. "only an actual adult and humans get to talk about that movie from heart to heart," the man shuddered re-adjusting the system to keep the shuttle craft flying at a correct velocity. "It's a disgrace to science and cartoons." _Breath_ , Jim instructed himself seeing the asparagus moving around his leg having a definite shape. "Did you know they showed the trailer at a family friendly movie and oh god, the children, THE CHILDREN. Parents were outraged."

"That was made two hundred years ago," Spock said. "yet you act as though it came out years ago."

"It was re-released by accident in 2255," McCoy said. "and I was attendin' it with my sister's adopted 'Vulcan' boys but I think they were Romulan since they were psi-null and the 'v' shaped forehead makes a lot of sense," the man shook his head. "I am still scarred by that trailer."

"Ah," Spock said. "I see."

"The movie was rated R," Fuller said.

"At least Deadpool's accidental release leak was welcomed," McCoy said. "and Logan."

"Good movie," Fuller said.

"Did ya know they released a version of the movie entirely in black and white?" the doctor looked over toward the Vulcan. "Highly a good movie either way."

Jim closed his eyes and then the asparagus like being was gone.

It had legs, arms, and a face.

He could see it still in his memory.

The pair of green eyes staring back at him with black long arms and white skin for the hands.

"Captain," Spock said. "are you all right?"

Jim straightened.

"Why would I not be?" Jim asked.

McCoy glared in the direction of Jim's chair as did Fuller.

"Is tht a trick question when are leavin' a planet full of carnivores vegetables?" McCoy asked.

"I can hear you panicking," Spock said.

"I am fine," Jim said. "maybe hallucinating a little bit that there is a humanoid asparagus inside."

There was silence in the room as the three other men looked down in the direction of under the consoles. McCoy kicked his feet onto the squishy, soft skin of the living asparagus humanoid like it was no big deal while keeping a cool, calm expression on his face while the other two men shrugged it off. Spock glanced over in the direction of the doctor finding it odd that he was hearing groans. He turned his attention away focusing on keeping his side of the shuttle craft balanced and steady. He hard a loud bang once the shuttle craft tore through the atmosphere into the vastness of space. Spock looked over to see a wince on the doctors face then lowered his view down to his feet. He saw the floorboard and a dent in the wall from across the mans feet.

Humans were illogical.

"Sir, I recommend you don't move," Fuller said.

"It is behind me, isn't it?" Jim asked.

Spock looked over to see a humanoid being looking over Jim's shoulder.

"Don't look," Fuller said, slowly taking out his phaser.

A large, warm but soft hand placed onto his hand

"Help," came a squeaky voice from behind him. _Noooo, nooo, NOOOO! nONONONONOOJNONONOONO._

Jim looked over his shoulder with a frantic expression of horror mixed in with 'oh my god' then screamed.

"YOU'RE NOT REAL!" Jim fell out of the chair. Completely, purely, terrified. "STAY BACK, FOUL ASPARAGUS!"

Fuller fired only missing where the shot landed against a pillar support beam.

"Shit!" Fuller said. He fired again at the asparagus's leg. The asparagus being collapsed to the ground crying in pain. "Remain where you are. You have the right to remain silent; anything you say can and may be used against you in a court of law; you have the right to have an attorney present before and during the questioning; and you have the right, if you cannot afford the services of an attorney, to have one appointed, at public expense and without cost, to represent you before and during the questioning . . . and since we are not on a starbase or federation colony, you will not have a lawyer. Do you understand these rights?" Fuller finished cuffing the asparagus up while he had one hand on the vegetable's back.

"Yes," the asparagus said, weakly.

"Jim, ya okay?" McCoy asked.

There was only burping.

"Oh great, he is hyperventilating," McCoy rubbed his forehead. "I will take care of that!" The doctor put the shuttle craft on autopilot on his end then came over to the man's side and placed a hand on the captains shoulder. "It's okay, sweetie, no one is gonna hurt ya."

* * *

The asparagus was placed into a field from the deactivated back end of the shuttle craft. McCoy didn't seem to be too trusting with it. The doctor had calmed down the captain with a good hug that was more of him holding the one inch shorter man. Then man's head tucked on the doctor's shoulder like a terrified young boy. Spock almost mistook the doctor kneeling down holding a young, child like Jim Kirk in his arms with the kids arms around his neck leaned against his chest. When he blinked again, it was back to normal. Commander Fuller shared the same sentiment that the doctor had toward him.

Jim was back to his normal self.

"Don't you think that you may have over-reacted?" Spock said. Spock turned slightly toward the asparagus then toward him.

"Not at all," Jim said.

"But he looks unpleased," Spock said. "and he has claimed not to be interested in harming you."

"Then why was he under our feet?" Jim asked.

"Terrified," Spock said. "he only got the courage to come out and speak until the doctor beat him up," Jim looked over toward the Vulcan with a unsure expression on his face. "the loss of Mr Hendorff is felt. And we have just seen the man eating asparagus kill another person. Logically, since he had seen our reactions, his concerns were warranted. And he may know more about why they suddenly have become a threat."

Jim folded his arms.

"But why does he look like a asparagus?" Jim asked.

"Mr Sulu, Dr McCoy, and I submitted a paper regarding the subject of turning a human to plant like hybrid with studies based off my previous experience and closely monitored," Spock explained. "if turning himself a asparagus was key to his survival then it further more confirms the theory that it does not register as a being or having a temperature."

"So that is why you remained off duty for a week," Jim said.

"Yes," Spock said, with a nod. "for science."

"I don't trust the asparagus," Jim said.

"Captain," Spock said. "let me do the talking for you."

Jim nodded.

"You may do that," Jim said.

Spock approached the field.

"I am Commander Spock of the USS Enterprise," Spock began. "My apologies for my captain's reaction," the asparagus slightly waved his cuffed hand indicating it was fine. "is your name Brandon Humfree?"

The green eyes flickered.

"Yes," Humfree said.

"Where are the others?" Spock asked.

"They are safe," Humfree said.

"Define safe," Spock said. A chill was in the air.

"They can't be killed by those monsters," Humfree said.

"Where are they?" Spock asked.

"We lost our security team to them," Humfree said. "you should have heard their scream. It is our fault!" his tendrils were forced together as he briefly closed his eyes. "We were designing a big domestic animal, a bull if you will, but my colleagues . . they . . . they wanted more. They wanted to make a real engineered asparagus humanoid because of your paper," Humfree rocked back and forth. "It'll be fun! They said. We will be historic! They said. We will make a new civilization! They said."

"But they did not think about the diet," Spock said.

"No," Humfree said, pausing dramatically. "one of us did."

"Who was it?" Spock asked.

"And that was me," Humfree said. " Dirt, and water, that's all the diet was going to be," tears rolled down the green cheeks. "I gave them a harmless weapon, it was a group project, was going to make a harmless bull without horns! And they mislead me!" he regained his composure. He looked eerily calm. "and so, hell broke loose. We found the skeletons of lab techs. The asparagus was hiding. Waiting to pounce on us. They had heavy spears. Their teeth, oh my god, it's worse than the goosebumps potato."

Humfree paused rocking back and forth.

"And?" Spock asked.

Humfree lowered his hands.

"During evacuation I killed them," Humfree smiled. "I didn't let them in. The others were being administered. They are all safe. No need to be thirsty or hungry. No need to be rescued at all. Safe and sound."

McCoy stepped forward from the seat.

"There are 110 families down there," McCoy said. "last report said there were at least fifty-three pregnant women!"

"Doctor," Fuller said. "they might not be pregnant anymore if they are asparagus."

"Good god, they may have lost their babies," McCoy reeled back sitting onto the bench with a look of horror.

Jim's hands were wrapped in fists.

"Safe," Humfree said. "and I just want to leave that planet."

Jim approached the field.

"Too bad," Jim said. "we are going back and we are getting the children first."

"Then the women who were pregnant," McCoy interjected.

"And the pregnant women," Spock said.

"God knows what kind of mental state they are in," Fuller said. "Captain," the security officer added. "what about the suspect?"

"He will remain in his cell," Jim said.

"Aye, sir," Fuller said, with a nod.

"And the Enterprise is days away," McCoy said. "where are we goin' to put them?"

Spock came over to a flat screen that had a holographical view of the current solar system that they were in.

"There is a planet with three moons that is approximately thirty-three minutes away," Spock said. The Vulcan leaned forward toward a console then tapped on the holographical view of the planet that came up with a reading that had glowing words and numbers along the planet. "sensors indicate that this planet is a hospital one that allows life. The reading also indicate that planets and native wildlife lurk but twice the size of a normal horse."

"So . . ." Fulller slowly said. "dinosaurs?"

"Great," McCoy said. "going from one threat to another!"

"Bones," Jim said. "unlike man eating vegetation. . . I am pretty sure these animals become threatening if we threaten their young."

Eyes all went on to the Vulcan.

"Plausibly and plausibly not," Spock said. "it is unknown what they are. Not human, I assure you."

Jim nodded his head while rubbing his chin.

"Spock, Fuller," Jim said. "Can you determine which part of the planet is the safest place to leave a village?"

"If I mapped it out and had a security team, yes, captain," Fuller said. "I can't keep everyone safe with just me."

"There were samples taken of the planet when determining if it is suitable for colonization," Spock said. "it failed due to the lack of oxygen being produced in one key part due to a massive area lacking oxygen due to there being a hole in the atmosphere. That was over three years ago."

"Pretty sure it ain't there," Humfree said. "repaired itself."

"We need to be certain," Jim said.

"We will be more informed upon arrival," Spock said.

"Change autopilot," Jim said. "we have families to rescue."

* * *

It took two hours and ten minutes to return to the planet.

It was renamed Asperagayia by the group after the inhabitants.

The current recognized name was Taxis Tarrif. McCoy and Jim were snickering in the corner of the shuttle together once submitting the name application to Star Fleet Command with explicit reasons why. Spock and Fuller elected to ignore the two men's deteriorating power to resist laughter. The amusement was that it had the word 'gay' in it that could slip as a legitimate name. The asperagay were a entirely recognizably sentient population. They had decided where the colony could be established at a safe place from the predators and the herbivores. The herbivores were deemed gigantic but docile and harmless. Asides to the gigantic porcupines, crabs, cougars, orangutans, and wolves and so on.

They had established the temporary colony building by large collections of thick, fat tree branches, cutting the stray branches off, and placing leaves over it. All of which required getting their hands dirty. They used a nearby stream to clean their hands off. Humfree was not allowed to join in. Spock carried most of the wood while the humans quickly assembled the make shift fort. Never mind the accidental touches the commander did with the captain. Never mind chipping their fingernails. Never mind getting splinters in their fingers. It was all worth it when it came to giving a safe place for families. It looked safe, built safe, and presented to be safe, for now.

They had sent a message to the Enterprise regarding where to find them upon dropping off the supplies. The shuttle craft lowered to the ground, slowly, while Humfree was set along the entrance in a chair appearing to be rather unhappy regarding his fate. Sure he had great expectations for his future but being held as a killer and being restrained at the same time? That topped the cake. Jim didn't trust him lone on the shuttle craft so he was going with them. It was unfair. Life was not fair being on a alien planet. The sky was moving around the shuttle craft. The clouds lurked past. All of which were convincing enough that he was indeed on this planet. He just wanted to leave the damn planet.

Life did not always agree with the scientist.

"Say," McCoy said. "were the other scientists in uniform unlike ya?"

"Yes," Humfree said. "I just like elbow gloves and havin' a shoulder. I had a say in engineering this version."

"What is the difference between the two?" McCoy asked.

"We have human arms," Humfree said. "that don't radiate heat. Made entirely by roots."

"Don't look like roots," McCoy said, observing the pink shoulders.

"That is bright, neon pink make up," Humfree said.

"Oh," McCoy said. "good make up."

"Thank you," Humfree said, as the shuttle craft came to a trembling landing onto the ground.

"Landing successful," the computer announced.

"Mr Humfree," Jim said, as Spock joined the captain. "lead us to your leader."

"That came out wron'," McCoy said, getting out of his chair.

"I meant people," Jim said.

Fuller forced Humfree to his feet.

"Come along," Fuller said.

"Bones, you can stay behind," Jim said.

"Ah no," McCoy said. "I have been on too many away missions to know that somethin' bad is goin' to happen to either of us if we split up."

"You have a installed set of phasers at the entrance," Fuller said. "if the captain is injured, you will be informed upon our return."

Spock nodded his head.

"We are adequately covered, doctor," Spock activated his federation standard phaser. "as is the captain. You need to chill."

"I will chill when I am retired," McCoy replied.

Jim came over to the doctor's side and squeezed his shoulder.

"We need a living doctor," Jim said. Casting that hopeful, optimistic smile back. "A dead one is useless."

"Fair enough," McCoy said, as the door slid open to the shuttle craft.

Jim and Spock went out first side by side down the ramp.

"Close the door after we leave," Fuller said. "the next batch, he is going to be dead straight in his cell in that colony."

"I will," McCoy said, his eyes lingering after the two younger men.

"Let's go," Fuller said, taking Humfree by the shoulder and guided him out.

McCoy closed the door experiencing worry about the away team watching the figures vanish before his sight. He pressed a button to the side. The door closed. He was going to grow gray worrying over the two officers and one day that might kill him untimely. But they always came back. And they will come back in one piece. He was not going to be left alone without them. There, the doctor waited for them looking through the window watching them vanish before his line of sight.

* * *

"Oh," Jim said, once they reached the colonists. Most of the scientists were in science blues that had the black collar that had a zipper and a actual medal piece that wasn't part of the uniform. There were medical officers part of the staff. "so they are in the new uniforms."

"Can we go now?" came the tallest asparagus but old sounding woman.

"Yes," Fuller said. "children and pregnant women must go first."

"Is there any medical professionals among you?" Spock asked.

"Our CMO died making sure we got injected," the shortest asparagus but male sounding figure said. "she wouldn't accept a no for an answer."

"Lieutenant medical professional?" Jim asked.

"Uh, she is visiting family," the tallest asparagus said. "we have some nurses but they . . don't know. . . how to deal with asparagus saplings."

The asparaguses stepped aside to show at least thirty sleeping but wrapped infant like figures that had their chubby, brown arms into the ground. Jim turned directly in the direction of Humfree with a pointed glare that could kill. His sapphire eyes were full of rage. One of the babies was very small compared to the larger ones and seemed to be a premature baby. The captain started to go forward in the direction of the cuffed scientist. Spock grabbed the man by the shoulder earning a head turn in his direction.

"It is not wise to attract attention, captain, with someone who is not worth our time," Spock said.

Jim nodded, so the Vulcan relaxed his grip on his shoulder.

"You are going to face hell for this," Jim told Humfree.

"I expect nothing less," Humfree said.

"In a single filed line, the oldest child goes first, then the younger ones," Fuller said. "gently now, the stronger kids help me get those infants out," He looked over toward the two men. "captain, commander, I am going to need some help with this."

"What about me?" Humfree asked.

"You hold the largest chubby baby not the premature one," Jim said. "I am sure you can work your arms into the position," he turned toward the colonists. "We will be back in one hour and ten minutes for the rest of you. It'll take all day it seems like it."

There was a collective sigh of relief in the cave.

The oldest children, ten and thirteen up, carefully lifted the babies fingers out of the dirt cleaning their rooted fingers off and carefully making sure that they didn't rip the rooted fingers apart. Humfree was a single man living without a family unlike most of the colonists. His husband died during the first attack. And he was still full of rage at that. The ones responsible for his death were dead. . . but he was still mad. Was he mad at himself for allowing them to use him like that? To help them? He was still in the anger stage of his grief. He hadn't cried. He hadn't found the heart to cry since the event that took his husband away. He had crafted the asparagus humanoid hypospray in the case that something like this happened. He held the large, fat baby in his arms.

Jim didn't look so happy when he gazed at his direction.

All Jim had to share was optimistic and love with everyone else he looked at.

The group slowly made their way out with Fuller looking from side to side for the Asparagay.

The Asparagay were nearby in groups crowded in nearby ditches.

Jim felt like he was being watched.

If they could do it just a couple dozen so more times.

Without getting caught then they could be in the clear.

"I think they got a suspicion on us," Jim said. "run!"

They made a mad dash toward the distant shuttle craft.

* * *

Nyota was leaned against the corridor wall as McCoy finally came out after being on a non-stop shift fixing what Humfree had done and dealing with ten pregnancies that were done naturally. The last ten were in the early stages of pregnancy and were not due for another month. How were they so damn lucky to get all the colonists out of there? The genius method of being surrounded by larger and larger numbers of adults that slowly dwindled by each trip to the shuttle craft. They only got the adults by a method which meant taking out a survival mattress from the shuttle craft and bending it around the men as they returned in a group that blocked their heat. They used the mattress for the children afterwards. McCoy was dismissed by Christine.

"How you feel?" Nyota asked.

"Tired," McCoy said, as he started to fall.

"Got you, old bear!" Nyota said, catching him with her hands keeping him steady.

"Thanks," McCoy groaned.

"Jim's quarters?" Nyota asked.

"I live there," McCoy said. "should not be a question." as his arm was draped over her shoulder.

Nyota supported the man's weight helping him down the hall.

"You two need a good nice bed together for all you did," Nyota said.

"Makin' sure everyone is human is tirin' but worth it," McCoy said. "say. . . did you resolve your argument with Christine?"

"Yes," Nyota said. "the resolution went pretty well."

"That makes me happy to hear for ya too," McCoy said.

He hiccuped. "why are ya out relaxing?"

"Someone has to make sure you get your quarters," Nyota said. "and my ex-boyfriend is meditating at this time and Jim is doing paper work, and I am free as a bird."

"Ya cute when ya right," McCoy said, pinching the side of her cheeks.

"And Scotty is drunk in his quarters from a all out drinking game with the colonist scientists," Nyota finished. "it is best you have a strong woman taking you to Jim's quarters,:"

"You are a great officer," McCoy said. "I hope we never lose ya to away mission."

"I will never be lost . . . except on my own terms," Nyota said.

"As would I. ." the man yawned "A preferable way to go missin' and know what is in store for that."

"Yes," Nyota said. "It is. "

She made her way to the doors of the captains quarters then knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal the broad shoulder, athletic yet shirtless captain leaning against the doorframe with his messy blonde hair swept to the side with bags under his eyes. "here's your future husband." she shoved the man into the captain's arms nearly making him fall to the ground. Jim steadied himself with a happy smile holding the fallen asleep doctor against his chest and his sapphire eyes brightened at her direction.

"Thank you," Jim said. "good night, Nyota."

Nyota nodded her head.

"See you in the morning, Jim," Nyota made her way down the hall.

She had a slumber party with Janice to attend after all and she had to be sure the grumpy, constant on-shift doctor made it to his quarters. It was a price to pay as the queen of the Enterprise. And her hips swayed from side to side. Her long unusual hair style followed the rhythmic movement that her hips were making in the new uniform. She past by Riley, Fuller, and Masters. Masters and Riley were guiding Fuller down the corridor with his arms on their shoulders while slurring and he smelled really drunk.

* * *

It was morning before the woman knew it. Her day started average getting showered, getting into her uniform, and having breakfast. The doors to the turbo lift opened before her figure and Pavel by her side. She was struck with the image of asparagus acting as the captain's chair. Jim was leaned to his left, as usual, not paying attention. The two officers went straight into the bridge with attention on different worlds. She could see the more controlled yellow fabric to the uniform. She came to the side of the captain to see that he was in the new uniform with the neck zipper. The asparagus smelled delicious coming from the chair. Jim did not pay attention to what he was sitting in.

"What happened to your chair?" Nyota asked, by the captain's side.

Jim looked up with a relieved look.

"You see it too?" Jim asked. Nyota nodded. "Good. . . I was starting to think I was hallucinating it."

"You are not," Nyotan said, with a small smile.

"I think it might be Bones but we resolved that with the given vegetable problem," Jim said, standing up. He looked about the room with his hands placed on the wide of his waist. Then he raised his voice to the command one. "I have asparagus in my chair, who put asparagus in my chair?" Eyebrows arose in the room as Hikaru appeared to wear one of his usual 'I don't give a rats ass' while Pavel was struggling to keep his cool sitting in the navigational chair fighting back laughter.

Spock looked over in the direction of Jim then to the navigation and helmsmen station.

And suddenly, Pavel erupted in laughter.

 **The End.**


End file.
